The River Why and Why

Ems asked me what my ideal schedule would be like, and I've been considering that, with regards to the coming month and time in general. In the book I'm currently reading, The River Why by David James Duncan (a re-read), Gus, the main character, moves out of home after high school into a cabin on the river and writes up "The Ideal Schedule" for his life. He even calls it that.

His ideal schedule is: fish for 16 hours, sleep for 6, eat and do what needs to be done in the extra time. After living thusly for a short while, he realizes how despondent he’s become – and why? Why is the question of the book. He realizes that his ideal schedule is lonely and purposeless.

One of the reasons I have difficulty articulating ideal schedules is that I tend to tackle personal obstacles as they arrive. I don’t consider myself a spontaneous person; it’s more like I plan to eradicate any despondency as it arrives, immediately, and then move on to what I want or need to get done. I also struggle with the concept of ideal. I’m not an idealist, and I think that my post on perfection explains a little of my confusion over what “perfection” even is. What is a perfect day? I have no idea, and no inclination to rigorously discover that quality. It’s too ephemeral.  I just live, love the best I can, work the best I can, and try to maintain a healthy, happy self when I’m melting in the crucible.

So I’m still trying to find balance between self and others in this newness of life. Mostly, self gets stuffed into an over-full closet of to-do, but that’s part of the discovery of the “other” the quality of loving and being loved in addition to understanding being an entity, of itself, in relationship. It’s a learning process, and I always feel way behind. I’ll need more journal time to find my soul.