It would have been sufficient

Passover is my favorite holy day of the year, by a substantial margin: the story of the Exodus, the providence of God, the analogy to Christ’s own sacrifice – contemplating a whole series of miracles like a divine Great Escape. During one portion of the Haggadah, the leader goes through a series of “If God had only … but not” statements, to which everyone replies “Dayenu” or “it would have been sufficient”.

I wish I had this graceful a response to God’s involvement in my life. More often than not, my response is “are you serious? Why this any not that?” But if there is one great takeaway from Judaism I’ve gleaned in the past years, it is that God is God. If God had only rescued the Israelites from Egypt, but not judged them – it would have been sufficient. It would have been enough.

If God had only brought me to this point, but not blessed me in numerous ways – it would have been sufficient. If God had only blessed me with friends, family, but not a great job – it would have been sufficient.

And what have I been passed over from this year? Every year, this is something I’ve considered. Some years, it was a difficult school, or frustration at my inability to communicate or socialize properly, or a lack of faith, or simply a sense of lacking direction. And these things don’t necessarily disappear, eradicated in a moment in the ritual of wine, bitterness, festivity, medication, sanctification, and companionship. But it’s as if the bitterness has been lifted from me, transformed. My cup was not as full, for each of the pains endured, but the angel of death will pass over me – the sacrifice has been made.

threshold beneath the orchard leaves,

columns of trees and barrow mounds,

white blossoms, a secret garden

of lost and found where shadows hide

and sunlight's golden threads tie errant hearts

down in this labyrinthine trap of branches -

can you smell the sandalwood, 

the cedar, the hazelnuts before the fletching

and sharpened arrowhead make a nest

in your chest and it hurts like love

or death or splinters would