Monday, September 30, 2013

Squalls and Serenity

I had a post prepared regarding an interesting abortion article I read today. But I'm entranced by the rain, and my words tumble through my fingers in incoherent patterns. It's the clapping of a thousand tiny hands; the swishing of new seas, without names, sloshing across blackened streets; whispers of wind whisk the water into waves, rippling into rising mists. What was I contemplating? The deaths of unborn infants? Les enfants mortalis?
Why such somber notes while these tiny percussions plummet to patter against the slanting roof, drizzle down the gutters, and puddle and pool across the green grass? Waters collecting into droplets, streaking down the windows into pools along the walls, forming runnels in the grass towards rivulets in the roads, gurgling into drains against the curbs and stagnating in rainbow-swirl pools on sidewalks and where the road dips and deepens. Sugar maples slap their branches against the walls, the oaks jettison browning leaves, dogwood whispers with the whimpers of butterfly wings, and the regal pines ruffle,  but stand proud against the prevailing winds. 
An excellent night for philosophical dialogues while sitting under fleece blankets and sipping ciders. One of my roommates and I, we discussed determinism and predestination, miracles and divinity, Christendom and creation, stories and mythologies, culturally infected beliefs and ideologies. I've missed long philosophical dialectics full of witticism and crafted hypothesis. I could linger long into the night on such musings, if life permits. Tonight, life does not permit. Humbly and thoughtfully, I retreat into the darkness of the room, and listen once more to the rain's storming outside these screens. Makes me want to set up tarp and tent, and sleep beneath the soggy heavens, snug against the bristling winds and tearful clouds.
Oh, I wish I lived in a log cabin with a loft and could listen to these sounds until morning. The power flickers. We'll see who succumbs first: the storm or the electricity. Let the tempest of this night commence. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Fingertips...

You need them.

I was grating ginger for a curry soup with a micro-grater, and removed the tip of my index finger. It swiftly formed a pool of blood (deep enough not to drip right away - actually bad), before I stuck it in my mouth. Fun facts for self-doctoring: saliva contains mostly water (over 98%). The part of saliva that is not water contains some interesting things, including white blood cells and enzymes useful in the clotting of blood. So if you cut yourself, spitting on it or sticking a cut finger in the mouth can aid in the rapid covering of platelets and a sheathe. In addition, saliva is an anti-bacterial, and helps prevent against infection. Pretty fancy. So I spent a while sucking on my finger. I'm slightly anemic, because I don't get as much iron in my diet as I need, but my blood tends to clot better than it should, considering its thin aspect.
It's difficult typing, I assure you. Some strange things I noted: the rest of my fingertips, despite sustaining no injury, all prickle in pain incessantly, as if enduring a sympathy throbbing for the inflicted finger; being bi-dexterous helps a little, though I still require my right hand for certain activities. The blessing is that my left hand catches on quickly to delicate tasks. Also, I use my right hand a lot more than I anticipated, and my passwords for the computer are muscle memory, and since one of my fingers is out of the equation, I have been having trouble remembering my passwords (since I can't use that finger). Bah.

Rivulets down the roadside streaming
Tides the autumn breeze's bringing
Light in cozy abodes flick'ring
Eyes unfocused distant dreaming
Hopes they waver, faiths unfold
A lone, untouched, unbridled cold

When choosing to fight lonely battles, you can only blame yourself for defeat.





Sanctified (beginnings)

Sanctified (beginnings):


The canter clap of the horses’ hooves and the thunder of the wheels grinding against the cobbles drowned out the deathly melancholy of the marketplace.  Except in Elisa’s ears, the market’s disquieting murmurs were more deafening than the chariot and the horses combined.  The chauffeur screamed and cracked his crop, clearing a path before the carriage.  This was not how marketplaces should be: muffled, strangled.  It felt sterile, like a physiker’s ward.  No, more like a funeral.  The colors carried that motif like death’s pendant.  A musty, sad scent wafted through the districts outside the wall, accentuating the stygian overture.
Here, in the sanct’s marketplace, only one in twenty even wore any semblance of color.  Those that did scurried quickly about their business, eager for escape out of this bleak place. 
                It always aggrieved her eyes, like watching her city slowly bleeding to death.  It was an uncanny sense of despair. Yet, contrary to the funereal  aspect, the citizens living here did not trudge as though time were a paste.  As the chariot bolted down the center of the street, without concern for those hapless citizens too slow to escape its path, the black-robed and cowled Sancts danced out of its path with predacious grace.  



This is vaguely cheating. I'm considering writing this story for nanowrimo this year. The other option is part two of Crestalcoatl, which I also want to write at some point. It would be fun having a series of sequential nanowrimo novels.  I'm not sure whether I'll name the story Sanctified or something else, but I suppose I have a month.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Pebbles

Skipping shale into the sea
Will this stone be - the last stone throw
before the ocean overflows
white currents snagging me away
waving, praying
past the quay into the deeps?
If I breathe the final breath
will sky burst overhead
shattering
into many stars?
If I steal a tick of time
can time remain?
can love foment in thee the same?
Holding hands with destiny
did you bless me - but with torment?
Tossing pebbles 
in the ocean of emotions
Does it seem the waters rise?
Except in your eyes, I'll never know.


It's way past my bedtime when I start writing stream-of-consciousness poetry...



Friday, September 27, 2013

Color me tired

Of all the lousiest ways of spending a Friday night, mine takes the cake. I fell asleep for almost 2 hours right as work finished. My immediate plans had been: call mother and inquire as to how she's feeling today; eat something dainty; play soccer in the rain. Instead, I collapsed in a heap, piled blankets on myself, and fell asleep while praying.Now, instead of enjoying the company of friends and chasing a soccer ball around darkening fields, I've only the wind and rain for company. I should have accepted J's offer for a board game night.

My mother is faring better. I'm fairly certain only mothers can receive calls regarding their visit to the emergency room, and turn away questions of health into questions of, "met any cute girls lately?" At first, I believed it a Jewish mother specialty, but I've since learned Jewish mothers do not have a monopoly on such questions.


No, Mom. I think all my female friends will be married by next year. I've never even held hands with a girl, and mother expects a fairy-tale falling. I expect she prays for it each night. Poor mother, cursed with three socially difficult boys. But how are you doing? 


There is heart disease, or something, on mother's side of the family. She fears a heart attack, and has let us know about her worries. She exercises daily, watches her cholesterol and blood pressure carefully, eats especially well, and appears a blazing light of energy and health. The doctors said the same, and, thankfully, it was not the heart causing the pains, but an acquired acid reflux probably.


If I defined the week for you in five words, exhausting might not even make the list. It should have, I just refused to grant it notice. Every day this week, my body slept adequately until four in the morning, and then in small bits until work. I suspect my rem cycles averaged one a night. Yet this fright with my mother caught my body's fatigue up to my mind. I'm still in bed, still listening to the rain putter against the gutters and the wind whistle through the screen, rustling the blinds.


And now, evening drowned the sun in darkness, and I wish I had something worth writing, but my enervation has deprived me. I'm blind to inspiration.


--------------------------------------------------------


.....

            So strong are these feelings, that when you encounter even a few of the Rhuach, senses are easily overwhelmed – the fainthearted have died with bliss in their eyes, a fatal rapture. On the day the great city fell, even the great desert islands of the south, the pearly-peaked mountains of the distant north, to the far-flung reaches of east and west, a lilting song echoed along the wind without discernible words, across the worlds, breaking the hardest of hearts. Even in the farthest countries, over the seas and under the earth, the exotic and nutty smell of cardamom and honeyed saffron drifted like memories.

:But who destroyed the city, Grandpa? And why?:
Grandpa sighed, deflating visibly. :It was a grand greed, the delusion of theft:

In ages long past, they appeared. From whence they came, the first Rhuach, we know not, for they arrived before the great cities of man: Mezekh, Ulan, Il Ariesa. Already, before these laid their first foundations in the hearts of man, the Rhuach delved into the deeper arts, desiring return to the land of their home. To us, it might have been magic; to them, it was but an art, a creative birthing. In a forest glade, far to the west, they linked together in a tapestry of color and sentient mingling, and a great awakening was born.
            Not the city, but the stone of colorlessness at its center. It is neither stone, truly, nor matter, for when held they claim it is liquid sometimes, or of no weight at all, and of changing form.  In this stone, they placed the fullness of their artistic weight, the compleat mastery of magic. But it was not enough, and much was destroyed in the attempt, the earth riven, the forest torn asunder, rivers rent and mountains burst forth about them.


            Devastated, they journeyed far unto the Harmonah river, building the city from the stone’s great powers. If the stone were destroyed, so, too, were the Rhuach, and the city in its wake.

            There were, in those days, several polis in the region. Disregarding the artistry of Zevah Nuahr, its strategic and cultural positions were also substantial.  Crossing the mountains through any other pass required more than a day’s journey, and the danger of bandits was significant. Rogue’s Roads, they called them, for if you were crossing on other paths, you were as like to meet them as be them.

            Strategically, then, it possessed a vantage on every trade route from Nesul to Mezekh, and any routes destined for the western coast. The lake beneath the waterfall offered a welcome respite for weary travelers, and the sight of spiraling rainbows and Zevah Nuarh soothed sore eyes. While caravans frequently passed without lingering in the city, many climbed the extra hours for the safety of a city and the refreshing qualities of an inn, dancing, and the serenity of the city of colors. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Long night...

Be anxious of nothing.
Let your gentle spirit be made known to all men. The Lord is near.

I received a call during work today: "Your mother called 911 and is in the emergency care of the hospital." There are words to instantly transform a pleasant day into a nightmare. My dad was already heading towards the hospital, and didn't have much information, either. Fear is the mind killer.
How do you continue working knowing your mother is in the hospital, and not the reasons? Should I drive home? I'd have hit every city of traffic on the way; would have taken me nearly 5 hours. "No, no. I think everything will be fine. I'll call you in a few."

How impossible are those minutes. I was struggling through a difficult problem at work, and suddenly my problem-solving capability was obliterated.
There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.
Nothing made sense. It was the unknowing, and the terror that is worse in the mystery. I didn't know if it was severe or a tiny thing. How could I know?
Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Blood samples, hydration, scans, sterile-patience dragged out over an enemy of hours. And in the end? Only prayer and patience, hope and helplessness. The reminder of mortality is frightening, however  distant. I don't want the people I love to die, not yet. And if God takes them, I want to be there, speaking love into their ears and holding hands. I want to be in their eyes and they in mine as they go. In a brush with mortality, the wideness of the strokes is irrelevant.
A long night, and I am tired.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Wednesdays

That time of year thou mayst in me behold 
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold, 
Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang. 
In me thou seest the twilight of such day 
As after sunset fadeth in the west, 
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest. 
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire 
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie, 
As the death-bed whereon it must expire 
Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by. 
   This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,
   To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

~ Sonnet 73 - Shakespeare

I work four tens, and instead of receiving a long weekend, my week is split in twain, with free Wednesdays. One might suppose that these are days of infinite freedom, open for hanging out and whimsy. Such is frequently not the case. I long ago discovered that if I ran all my errands on Wednesdays, when the weekends arrived and everyone was off work, I wouldn't have any errands left to run.  Unfortunately, this hampers any plans people assume I am free for on these Wednesdays: lunches, coffee (tea, please and thank you), or other varied activities. Also, I view Wednesdays not as free days but as "special work days". When I finish with errands, I begin writing or reading or choosing activities that might increase my aptitude (learning, music, technical skills). On particularly tough weeks, I will occasionally relax with an easier read or enjoy lighter activities all day, it is true, but I prefer that these days are productive in some fashion.
They usually are.

All this because today I intended to finish my story, a light, casual little tale I began. I did actually work on the story, but I only managed to transform it from a short into a novella form, realizing I'd sewn more than I could reap in a short story format. Then I got dismayed and ended up writing about clouds, colors, and smells instead. As the sun set, I wrote about violet turtles crossing the heavens with pink underbellies and splayed appendages. I even wrote a little story about them. Not productive.

Some days defeat you; some seasons defeat you.